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Chapter 6. The Pastor's wife
'but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible ornament of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God.'’ (1 Peter 3:4)
There are varying degrees of involvement a woman may have as a pastor’s wife. It may be necessary, or from choice, for her husband to use their home or he may choose to see some of his flock in the church building. In this chapter, I hope to cover all the possible needs and problems a wife may find (many I stumbled upon myself!) as she seeks to help her husband in his ministry.
Calling
Her calling is to serve God, be a help to her husband, and a mother to her children. In the wider sphere - to be a home keeper, one given to hospitality, a listener, an advisor, an organiser, a decision maker, a leader, and an example to the women in the church. In the book of Timothy, her requirement is laid down as an elder’s wife. ‘Likewise their wives must be reverent, not slanderers, temperate, faithful in all things.’ (1 Tim. 3:11) She will be watched closely by the men and the women in the church as to the way she relates to her husband, brings up her children, keeps her home, dresses, and communicates with other members in the body. She, together with her husband, is often called upon to take the lead not only in spiritual matters, but practically as well.
Experience
For a young wife this may seem to present a fearful proposition, however, even without the maturity of experience, her life with her family, lived in relationship before God, will be respected by others. When our children were growing up, we found that as we laid down the standard for our children to follow, then others in the church would take the same direction. This included matters such as - how much pocket money - whether they were allowed to go to certain places - what time they had to come home after an evening out - and others. There was always the lament "my friends don’t have to ..." Whilst their friends were allowed more freedom, we did point out the benefits in their lives that their friends didn’t have, such as trips abroad, outings, club activities, visiting other homes. This didn’t always console them!
We had no television, and so had no problem as to what they should watch, as did other mothers, but as they grew older we did allow some videos. We were very particular about what they watched, read, and listened to, not believing in free choice or free expression, but in teaching them the truth, feeding into them things that were honest, pure and good, and always explaining to them why we wanted them to do or not to do certain things. We were sometimes criticised as being too hard on them, we expected them to come to both Sunday morning and evening meetings as part of our family life together and they learnt to respect God and those who were His, and eventually found the Lord for themselves.
The Demands of the Work
The life of the pastor’s wife is a life of selflessness as her husband’s time is taken up so much with the demands of the flock. Much wisdom and discernment is needed to be kept from being deceived by those with whom she comes into contact, who are not yet totally desiring to find the Lord for themselves. As a young wife and mother, learning about the Lord, there would be times when I resented bitterly the time my husband spent in counselling. I hadn’t fully appreciated that he too was a learner and was presented at quite a young age with people who had emotional and spiritual difficulties. I often took remarks, he or others made, wrongly and moved naturally, not in the spirit of wisdom and love. I realised eventually how selfish I was and how harshly I judged others. This was something the Lord had to deal severely with me about, or rather I with myself, until I reached the place of ‘Thy will be done.’ I then found love and friendship with these same people, and a closer relationship with the Lord. What a difference the truth by the Spirit can make to our lives!
The Home
Inevitably the home is used for visitors, those needing special care, for receiving endless phone messages and making lots of tea and coffee! Routine housework can be totally upset and plans disrupted, not to mention loss of sleep! It is good for the wife to remind herself from time to time that she is in a partnership, a sharing work. Her husband may be used more directly in spiritual or emotional ministry but she will complement his ministry by playing her part in caring, advising and practical help. An understanding of people’s hearts and needs will help her to know the part she has to play.
Personal Considerations
As a personal testimony, I went through a time in my life when I felt quite useless and unnecessary in helping those who came into my home. I could see the results of the ministry of God through my husband to those who came in need, but failed to see the wider ministry needed in the total caring for the folk. In my heart I withdrew, although outwardly I pretended all was well. This brought me to a place of despair until I saw that I too could offer love, support and help, not to mention a listening ear, and a strong shoulder. For various reasons many who visited us had not had a happy or secure upbringing and had missed out on so much normal family living. Such simple things as family meals, holidays, working together, being an active part of a church, discipline, understanding and helping others. All these are needed to be taught to make a person completely whole. I remember one teenager who came to live with us who didn’t want to take her coat off and sit down with the rest of us, didn’t want to tell me what she was doing, where she was going, when she would be home. She never thought to help with cleaning up after meals. Only small things really, but very important in being part of a community or family.
It can be quite difficult having someone to stay who is not taking their rightful place in the family. They want to tell your children what to do or even be a wife to your husband! As all these things are pointed out and they accept them, it helps them to receive the things of God, for He is our father, husband, brother, whatever we need. If a person has never known a loving and moral father or been disciplined as a child, he or she finds it hard to accept this of their Heavenly Father. As they see it outworked in others they understand what they are being told of the Lord. I often found that my children were better at making friends and getting alongside those who came than I was. One young lady who visited, was so quiet and shy, that I found it hard to communicate with her, but our eldest son was learning the classical guitar at school and discovered that this lady could also play, this enabled her to open up to him and then to us afterwards. Sometimes even a pet can help people to feel at home. Our cat was often stroked and cuddled by the shyest of people. She helped to break the tension and awkwardness that can arise in new relationships.
Difficulties
There can be some conflicting times when bringing up a family, although in my own situation, I found, when the children were young they adapted very well to the constant stream of visitors, giving up their beds for people to stay and letting other children use their toys, but as they grew older adjustments had to be made regarding their personal property and privacy. With our busy schedule we endeavoured to find times to be together, especially for the boys to be with their father. If there was a trip, on which one of them was able to go with him, he was taken.
The work can cause great pressure on the relationship of the pastor and his wife. By many of the flock the pastor is seen as having no personal cares, difficulties or problems. Of course this is not true, often a great deal of encouragement is needed. Sometimes after many hours, years even of help and counsel, a member may criticize the pastor openly and spread their own disquieting around the flock. This is an obvious example of the enemy seeking to bring disunity and slander, which we are told will come. Any leader is in the firing line of the devil and often that which is intended as being loving and helpful is misconstrued to be unloving. Jealousy can rise up from a member not feeling loved and seeing the pastor appearing to love others more than themselves. Sometimes women, whose hearts are not yet pure and holy, ‘fall in love’ with the person who has endeavoured to help them so much. Every pastor will know a dilemma in this area as he seeks to show love. A wife can help to balance this difficulty by her relationship with her husband and with the member of the church. It is important for a wife to share any misgivings that she may feel, but may I give one helpful hint - take it to the Lord first!
One time a lady came to learn a few basic housekeeping abilities. She had known a very unloving childhood and even though married to a caring man, and having a lovely daughter, had times of severe depression. This took her regularly into hospital for treatment, and prevented her from being able to look after her husband and young child at home. The first night when every one was out she began to shake violently and had difficulty in breathing. This was totally unexpected and I had to call my husband home. He prayed and the shaking stopped. The next day it happened again but this time we had to call the ambulance and she was taken to hospital. We realised there were deeper things in her life than we had thought, and the shaking and inability to breathe continued. We tried to help her and look after her young child.
My husband had to go away for a few days and during this time she became worse. One time I paced the floor in my bedroom trying to decide whether or not to call for an ambulance, (she later told me she could hear me above her). I talked with her for hours, and tried to help. After one bad attack when I was at a loss of what to do, my husband returned unexpectedly early, and I was so relieved to see him. However, the first thing he said to me was "why is the house in such a mess?" - I cried my eyes out! The story has a happy ending however, our visitor had to go back to hospital but found the Lord there, and eventually was completely set free from all her difficulties and has never looked back since.
Often the flock is not aware of the pressure of responsibility a pastor may feel as he cares for those whom the Lord has given him.. Quite often a quip is made such as ‘well its God’s responsibility’, but every pastor cares genuinely for each member. It is not the same as a secular job - hearts are knit and friendships made and heartaches occur when these are broken. However we know it is God who builds His church and each couple in this role seek to be all that God wants for His people, to learn to lean, and rest, in Him.
Occasionally deception can occur, if a person wants the benefit of a secure home but is not prepared to be honest about his or her life, thoughts and feelings.
Openness from those Staying in the Home
In my experience, the amount of need or even the degree of possession of the enemy in a person is not the first difficulty encountered when having people amongst the family. One young man came for help and stayed when our children were quite young. He started to get free from his drugs and began to open up and all was well. After two weeks however there was a heavy atmosphere in the home, the youngest of my children came out in a peculiar rash, not known by the doctor. I had constant headaches to which I was not prone. One night I felt uneasy and sat outside my son’s bedroom (only separated from our guest by a partition), fearing for his safety and praying that the Lord would show what was wrong. It soon became clear that, behind our back, the young man was asking help of an old friend. This conflicted with our advice, and did not show respect for the headship of the house. Eventually he tried to take an overdose and later had to leave us, as he wanted to go back to his old ways. After he left we prayed for each other. The rash disappeared and the headaches went and peace returned. We pinpointed the time of difficulties to exactly the time he decided to go his own way and seek other counsel. The Lord has been totally faithful to our family, in protecting our children and keeping us from what the enemy seeks to do.
A further illustration is when a girl came to stay after losing her accommodation. She had many needs and would react violently during a meeting and collapse on the floor or run out of the room. I began to build up a relationship with her, this was not difficult to do as I wanted very much to help her. She responded to the Lord, began to get her life sorted out and all was well, until she decided she didn’t want to go any further in her pursuit for the Lord, but wanted to return to her life as a lesbian. Tension in the house grew and rebellion set in, until eventually, after some months, we were advised by our friends to ask her to leave. I found this decision a very heartbreaking one, but the Lord gradually showed me, that the spirit through which she was operating, was not the spirit of God, and she was aware of what she was doing. It took eight months to feel free and whole again, such was the trauma of the situation. I realised I hadn’t heeded the warnings the Lord had given me, and had not wanted to take my husband’s advice in letting her go. The Lord did wonderful things for this girl and gave her opportunity after opportunity to come to Him but the old life was too much to give up.
Again we found trouble when I allowed someone who had an evil spirit to come into the home. A young girl was staying who had great need herself and during the night she was terrified and spent the whole time sitting cuddled up in a chair. It had been wrong for me to invite this other person in, as I knew her heart was not towards the Lord at the time. As the young girl wasn’t clear herself she had picked up this spirit. Occasionally, according to the need, it is wiser for the pastor to use other venues, rather than the home to counsel people who are very troubled.
Activities
There are many activities the pastor’s wife may become involved with in the church, according to the time available to her. These can include:
Prayer meetings
Coffee mornings
Sick visiting
Street evangelism
Door to door
Bible studies
Childrens’ work - Sunday School
Young peoples’ work
Work with the Elderly
Personal ministry
School assemblies
Practical work - teas, decorating, weddings etc.
Not forgetting the ministry of the gifts of the Spirit and prayer, to make herself available to the Lord when the church meets together. Clear instructions are given in Titus for those women who, with experience of the Christian life are to teach the younger women. ‘The older women likewise, that they be reverent in behaviour, not slanderers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things - that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed.’ (Titus 2:3-5)
Talking to Others
Unfortunately a temptation among women is to gossip. Sometimes there is difficulty in knowing what is gossip and what is sharing. We have no liberty from the Lord to talk about others in any form of judgment or story telling. We are to ‘exhort one another daily’, encourage one another, and not spread rumours. More damage is done in this way, I believe, the temptation being, to like talking about others and to like letting people know what we know. ‘Knowledge puffs up’, the Scripture tells us, ‘but love edifies.' (1 Corn 8:1) ‘Speaking the truth in love’ (Eph. 4:15) I believe, means speaking as the Lord. Because of this, it is good to teach that a women's time be spent glorifying the Lord in her home, in her relationships, and in her behaviour. Remembering that marriage is a pattern of the love and relationship of Christ to the church.
I love to hold women's prayer meetings and coffee times. It is so encouraging to share with one another and find together, strength from the Lord. It enables us to ‘stand’ in the difficulties we encounter in our daily lives, especially in these days of broken relationships and rebellious children. Women need help, often they are left to take the full responsibility for the home, the children, and sometimes husbands as well.
I have listed many avenues of work for the Lord in the church. No woman need be idle but everyone must have a faithful relationship with the Lord in order to be of use in these areas.
Finally, the most important of all is to make time to spend alone with God each day, here we find the strength and grace to help us in all the responsibilities. We must have time to pray with our husbands, particularly as we are in the work of the Lord together. In a busy schedule it is amazing how this can be disrupted and times may have to be altered, but this is where our strength lies in our relationship with God.
The work is very rewarding. We have had the privilege of seeing a whole generation come to the church, respond, grow up, marry, and be used of the Lord themselves. Then in turn, teach their own children. Good relationships are made and friendships formed and people are delivered from the power of the enemy into the love of God.
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