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Chapter 9. Counselling - Developing Relationships
'Now Jacob loved Rachel'’ (Gen. 29:18)
There are many areas in which, over a period of time, the pastor will be needed to give guidance and counsel. Every church has young people who want to grow up and receive all the blessing of God which includes marriage, and it is in these early years that foundations are laid for happy marriage.
The Scriptures reveal that God is very jealous concerning His relationship with us. Paul, writing to the Corinthian church says: ‘Do you not know that you are the temple of God and that the Spirit of God dwells in you? If anyone defiles the temple of God, God will destroy him. For the temple of God is holy, which temple you are.’ (1 Cor. 3:16-17) Many potential relationships are brought to nothing because of an ‘unawareness of sin’ that can so easily enter in to boy/girl friendships.
Perhaps the most outstanding example of this came to light when I was confronted by a rather distressed young lady whose life had been shattered by a broken relationship. As is the desire of most young people, her heart was drawn towards a young man of her age in the small fellowship which they had joined while they were in college.
Her parents were Christian folk and no doubt had given her to the Lord and prayed for her during her developing years. Now away from them, she was on her own to build a life for herself. The young man did not have such a Christian upbringing but had responded to the Lord as far as he was able, however, there were still deep areas of his life that were not totally given to God. Some of these areas were related to medium involvement and had not been dealt with by the Lord.
As in so many churches, no instruction had been given as to the pure development of relationship between young people and one night while enjoying each other’s company something happened that spoiled their relationship.
The young girl was embarrassed to find that she instinctively knew it was wrong. He, too, was condemned by his action and that night something broke in their bond together. It seemed that although he sought it with much tears he could not find that purity again and, eventually, had to break their relationship. There are those who find God’s forgiveness but we must remember the Apostles words: ‘Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? Certainly not!’ (Rom. 6:1-2)
Marriage - The Basis of the Physical Bond
If we are to remain in fellowship with the Lord we must obey the laws that he has revealed to us, and this chapter is seeking to present to you the principle that only in marriage has God ordained a physical bond.
Probably of all relationships this chapter will concern mainly the young readers, but I hope to say something also to those who are older and are in the state of being single. The Apostle commends the single life whereas our Lord states it is a gift to remain in this state. Paul’s reasoning hinges around the words written to the Corinthian church: ‘But I want you to be without care. He who is unmarried cares for the things that belong to the Lord - how he may please the Lord. But he who is married cares about the things of the world - how he may please his wife. There is a difference between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit. But she who is married cares about the things of the world - how she may please her husband. And this I say for your own profit, not that I may put a leash on you, but for what is proper, and that you may serve the Lord without distraction.’ (1 Cor. 7:32-35)
To remain in a pure relationship with the Lord, it is essential to keep yourself from all other relationships. We surely must commend those who for the gospel’s sake have given themselves solely and gone overseas to bring the life of God to people who have never heard. It would seem that many of those who have gone out are women.
Our Lord Jesus, however, brings light to those who may believe or even fear that God has ordained for them this way of life. These natural instincts desire companionship yet, at present, they do not seem to be finding that right partner. In Matthew’s Gospel it is recorded: ‘His disciples said to him, “If such is the case of the man with his wife, it is better not to marry.” But he said to them, “All cannot accept this saying, but only those to whom it has been given: “For there are eunuchs who were born thus from their mother’s womb, and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He who is able to accept it, let him accept it."’ (Matt. 19:10-12)
Fornication is a word used to express a sexual relationship outside of marriage between two people. I believe one reason for the number of unmarried single people desiring marriage, may well be that they have already entered into sexual relationships rendering it necessary for them to be made free in God.
It would seem the enemy is very active, particularly during the impressionable years at school, to pressurise young people into practising physical involvement. For the true born again Christian this becomes a pressure, but if only they could realise the heartache they will experience in the future if they allow another person to indulge in something God has ordained for marriage.
Those of you who unknowingly have crossed this barrier will need to know something of the ministry of the Lord personally before entering into a new permanent bond.
One young man, in his late twenties, met an attractive young woman. Their hearts began to be drawn together and it was not long before he had asked her to consider a more permanent relationship. Within a couple of weeks his heart raged within him. There was such conflict that drew him out of fellowship with God and his only conclusion was that the thing he desired most must not be the will of God. He therefore decided that he must tell the young girl of his decision.
I have seen so many broken hearts and I challenged him to provide me with an acceptable reason why he believed it was not the will of God. He went home that night and, as he told me later, he spent many hours in prayer until the Lord showed him that in a previous courtship he had violated the woman by enjoying a very physical relationship with her. He was now in uncleanness and had been in fornication. As he shared, he wept before the Lord, and found forgiveness and cleansing. The barrier was broken and he was able to be brought into union again with the girl he loved.
I recall a young girl who had ceased all her normal monthly periods for some eighteen months, and the doctors had advised her to enter hospital. This fear became greater than the fear of seeking my help and so the matter was shared with me. As I waited before the Lord I was shown that she had been in relationship with a young man some eighteen months ago and had given herself totally. She was still in oneness with him and although the relationship had been broken the bond still remained. My revelation to her was violently rejected but as we talked she calmed down, willing to begin to believe that she had been in sin. The Lord’s ministry came to her and when she returned home that night the monthly flow had begun and God had wonderfully released her. It seems very natural for young people to seek a physical union and home in the marriage state but first their hearts must be bonded in love.
Caring Fathers
It would seem that God puts on Fathers a very special privilege in the care of their youngsters. How sad it is to see parents so wrapped up in themselves that their children are left to find their own way in life, but, you may say, ‘My father does not care.’ I assure you that in every true church there are ‘fathers’ who would delight in caring for you and seeking before God His plan for your future.
It would be good to note that God has a plan for every one of us but we must become aware of His timing. According to the apostle we have been predestinated - chosen beforehand to enter into His will. He writes to the Ephesians: ‘just as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before him in love, having predestined us to adoption as sons by Jesus Christ to himself, according to the good pleasure of his will, to the praise of the glory of his grace, by which he has made us accepted in the Beloved. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of his grace which he made to abound towards us in all wisdom and prudence, having made known to us the mystery of his will, according to his good pleasure which he purposed in himself.’ (Eph. 1:4-9) He is concerned that we should enjoy every benefit of our salvation, not only in the purifying of our hearts but in the union God has prepared for us all.
Uncaring Parents
How many young people’s lives have been marred by dominating parents, others by uncaring parents who due to their own selfish motives, have been unable to direct their children into the freedom of life that Jesus has for each one of us.
The church does provide loving support for all those whose desire is to remain single, not because of inherent difficulties or sin not worked out but because of a loving commitment to remain in deeper fellowship with their Lord. The Psalmist records that: ‘God sets the solitary in families.’ (Psa. 68:6) This, of course, is not an excuse for the frustrated and lonely to burden themselves upon already committed families but through their loving support provide that extra ministry which is so needed in a world where God’s pure principles are being eroded away.
God has a Plan for our Lives
Joseph must have wondered what was happening to him when, after having some amazing dreams, he finds himself, not only rejected by his brothers and sold into slavery but, eventually, to be forgotten in prison. He recognised that it was all part of the purpose of God in, not only providing him with his future partner in life but, as a Saviour for his people. (Gen. 41:37-45).
His interpretation of Pharaoh’s dreams was all part of God’s plan for his life. If we are to remain single without straying into areas that will take us outside of our relationship with the Lord, we must understand that God’s time is not as our time. 'One day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day.’ (2 Peter 3:8) We must be prepared to wait. How many have spoiled God’s purposes by rushing ahead. We must be listeners of God. So many have not yet put into practice the things which God has already said, but most of all we must abide in them.
The enemy is very active in seeking to draw us from this position. How tragic it would have been if Satan had succeeded in drawing our Lord away when he was tempted in the wilderness. You will note that these temptations were on very natural desires to eat, to know His Father’s care, and an invitation to have power.
Fantasy
The greatest work of the enemy in these days is to draw young people into fantasy. Fantasy grips the mind and soul and creates in a dream world the realities of which if they have been accepted, will never come to pass. Most of the food for fantasy will be found in romantic novels, films, and even pornographic literature leading on to desires to masturbate, therefore creating the physical experience of what has now become accepted for them as a lost cause. I know that in much of the Christian community this has been accepted but I am convinced that it falls into the fornication realm which the Scripture concludes as sinful and will take the child of God out of relationships.
It is, of course, the avenue in which the devil can make inroads into lives and bring his own uncleanness. I have even counselled young women who have accepted lesbianism as the only way in which to gain physical experiences. To all who find themselves in the realms of fantasy and uncleanness may I commend the truth of the Gospel ‘If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness’ (1 John 1:9).
Restoring Young People to the Will of God
I remember being introduced to a young girl, about 14, whose family background, according to the principles which are stated, could be considered to be called immoral. Her older sisters would have been encouraged, and were in practice, physically involved with their boyfriends and the spirit of uncleanness that operated in this young life drew her continually into many situations where young and older men had taken advantage of her. Her visits to the church then created a conflict within, which at times, caused concern to her parents thinking the church was bringing her to a breakdown.
It was obvious that before God could establish Himself in her life, the devil would need to be cast out but through fear she was completely shut up. I think it must be said that ministry to those who have, and are troubled, by evil spirits must be undertaken in a caring way, particularly as the reason they are possessed is not necessarily their own folly and sin but that of their parents.
The day came when, by the gracious moving of God, it was possible to pray for her and that which I experienced with her that day I would not want to endure again as I watched the devil’s last attempt to hold on to her.
Matthew records a similar incident: ‘And when they had come to the multitude, a man came to him, kneeling down to him and saying, “Lord, have mercy on my son, for he is an epileptic and suffers severely; for he often falls into the fire and often into the water. So I brought him to your disciples, but they could not cure him.” Then Jesus answered and said, “O faithless and perverse generation, how long shall I be with you? How long shall I bear with you? Bring him here to me.” And Jesus rebuked the demon, and he came out of him; and the child was cured from that very hour.’ (Matt. 17:14-18) Mark adds to the story: ‘Then the spirit cried out, convulsed him greatly. (Mark 9:26) I am thrilled to say that the devil did come out of her and I am so grateful that God has ordained men in the church who have the authority of God to set people free. It must be said that not all men have this gift, although all should, if they desire to be ministers of God.
As this chapter unfolds, I trust we are beginning to see that marriage can only be considered from a pure heart of fellowship with God. It would seem totally inappropriate that one could plan to build a relationship with anyone whose heart is not completely in communion with Him. Paul says: ‘Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?’ (2 Cor. 6:14)
Purity
Before even commencing a serious intent to move towards courtship each one must know before God that his heart is pure. Uncleanness is as contagious as leprosy was in the Old Testament days and is no respecter of persons, whether of good standing or poor.
In Naaman, perhaps, we have the most graphic account of a man who needs to be made clean. You may remember this story of the Captain of the Syrian Army who was a great man with his master, he had everything that material possessions could give him but, he was a leper.
So many lives have been tragically ruined by sin.. It is inherent in our natural birth. We are told that: ‘the wages of sin is death’ (Rom. 6:23) and that: ‘no unclean person has any inheritance in the Kingdom of God.’ (Eph. 5:5) We will all be aware of the uncleanness in us as Jesus says that it is those things which proceed out of the mouth that defile the man.
Fortunately, in one of his campaigns, the victorious Naaman had captured a little Israeli maid who shared the wonderful news that there was a God in Israel who could make her master clean. Initially, of course, he was directed to the King of Israel who, although he was a religious leader, had no knowledge of this tremendous ministry. How sad it is to live in days when, for so many, there is no hope.
Jesus called the men of His day: ‘blind leaders of the blind.’ (Matt. 15:14) Eventually Naaman was found at the foot of the hill that led to the man of God and the servant brought him instructions to wash seven times in Jordan and he would be clean. A rather indignant Naaman stormed off saying: "He will surely come out to me, and stand and call on the name of the Lord his God, and wave his hand over the place." (2 Kings 5:11) One of his own soldiers drew near and said: "If the prophet had told you to do something great, would you not have done it?" (2 Kings 5:13) He agreed, and after dipping seven times in the Jordan his flesh returned to that of a little child and he was clean.
Jesus Christ promises us cleansing in the precious blood that was shed on Calvary. Hebrews records: ‘For the blood of bulls and goats and the ashes of a heifer, sprinkling the unclean, sanctifies for the purifying of the flesh, how much more shall the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself without spot to God, purge your conscience from dead works to serve the living God?’ (Heb. 9:13,14) Peter follows by saying: ‘knowing that you were not redeemed with corruptible things, like silver or gold, from your aimless conduct received by tradition from your fathers, but with the precious blood of Christ, as of a lamb without blemish and without spot. Since you have purified your souls in obeying the truth through the Spirit in sincere love of the brethren, love one another fervently with a pure heart.’ (1 Peter 1:18-19,22)
God’s Laws do not Change
How sad it is to see young lives spoiled by men who have not yet entered into the purity of the Lord and therefore have contaminated that which before God is pure and holy. I recall, one day, observing in the church the mark of uncleanness upon a young woman. Something had happened between her and the young man who had been attracted to her. It was from that time the relationship was to finish. The young lady found a place of repentance and the Lord drew her into another relationship.
It is recorded that: 'the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart. And there is no creature hidden from his sight, but all things are naked and open to the eyes of him to whom we must give account.’ (Heb. 4:12-13)
Relationships spoiled by the introduction of uncleanness, are often fraught with difficulties. Although it is accepted, by some, as all part of courtship, it may be laying foundations which in the future may cause the marriage to end in divorce, as so many are, in this age.
The Misconception of True Love
The premise that courtship should include the physical relationship springs from a misconception of true love. Because men and women have not entered into the purity of love already indicated in Peter’s epistle, the natural instincts of the heart move further than God has designed into the area which He has consecrated for marriage. Most of the problems experienced in physical sin spring from selfish desires rather than to care for and love one’s partner.
That God intended man and woman to enjoy an intimate relationship together is, of course, illustrated in the opening chapters of the Bible with the instructions to: ‘Be fruitful and multiply.’ (Gen. 1:28) God had already established the seed principle in the propagation of life but then many would say that inherent in Adam and Eve would have been the desire to be sexually united together, and although this would have been totally within the will of God and pure, no evidence is found that intercourse took place in the garden. What we do read is that they were: `naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.' (Gen. 2:24)
Later on, after the fall and the awareness that they needed to be clothed, Genesis records: ‘Adam knew his wife and she conceived and bore Cain.' (Gen. 4:1) The tragedy was that in that conception was the outworking of sin, of jealousy and murder Cain being the first murderer and Abel his victim. It is my understanding that there was no reason for Eve not to conceive and give birth before the Fall as she was perfectly made but that intercourse was not the basis of their fellowship and oneness together.
The Bond of True Love
There is a bond that supersedes all physical desire and that physical desire became more apparent after sin had entered. In fact, by the seventh generation, men were taking two wives. It is at this point God seems to do a new thing in beginning again a line of life from Seth, which as we know, again ended in the Sons of God taking the daughters of men, resulting in the great flood.
We must understand that we have covered our nakedness because of the corruption of our hearts. Men should not desire to see the nakedness of woman. How sad it is when men are so bound by their thoughts that they cannot look upon a woman without desiring physical fulfilment. The Lord wishes to purify our hearts so that in being brought into relationship we will not defile the precious gift given to us of God. It is interesting to note that Isaac sporting with Rebecca was an indication that they were married.
Having then agreed, I hope, that pure love is the basis of our lives together and not the desire for physical union, how should we conduct ourselves that we may remain in fellowship with Him.
Only One Partner
Paul writes these words to the Corinthian church: ‘It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband.’ (1 Cor. 7:1-2) We must remember, as we consider this commitment to one partner, that God has not changed course in His eternal purpose for us. When Jesus was presented with a question from the Mosaic Law concerning the putting away of their wives, He reminded them: ‘Have you not read, that he who made them at the beginning ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.’ (Matt. 19:4-6)
God does something in the eternal realm which He does not desire to be destroyed. One of the surest ways of protecting this precious relationship we have, is to keep ourselves prayerfully in relationship with God and with each other. The more time spent in real fellowship with God creates a foundation life which, in days to come, will be very difficult to break.
I think it is good at this point to remember that, not only is the intended partner for life, a child of God, but also part of a family where mother and father have total responsibility before God. It is only on the wedding day that the girl will be given by her father to the intended bridegroom before the minister confirms that they are husband and wife. It is also at this point that the son leaves father and mother and is joined unto his wife.
Fathers are the Pattern
Every loving father longs to kiss and embrace his youngsters. It is probably in this area that there is so much lack, particularly in young girls. I recall a young woman completely devoid of love and affection joining with us in church life. It became clear after many months of counsel that her problems stemmed from an unloving home life. At eleven years of age she had put her head under her pillow because she could not accept the argument going on between her mother and father. This isolation from love was not rectified until God brought her into new birth and created that new life of God.
Father’s love, therefore, is the pattern to be adopted by the intended pursuer. Should he move outside of this pure expression, he will defile the pure person he wishes to marry and may destroy his hopes for the future. It would seem that parents will embrace, hold hands and kiss their children as an expression of love. Outside of this, one would consider it to be reserved for marriage. Also, outside of marriage, clothes cover those areas we don’t want others to see. As a general rule I consider that what you cannot see you may not touch. Always remember: ‘If anyone defiles the temple of God, God will destroy him.’ (1 Cor. 3:17)
Courtship
Courtship is a blessed time, as well as a difficult time, to prepare one’s heart, soul and body before God for the days to come. It is necessary, therefore, to: ‘present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.’ (Rom. 12:1-2)
What should I do if I find myself out of fellowship with God and yet in love with somebody who I recognise does not fully love the Lord? What must be the question? What is more important? The present life or the future place God has for each one?
My thoughts go back to the rich young ruler who could choose between eternal life which he longingly sought, or his riches. He chose his riches.
There is, of course, a short term blessing in most things outside of God but in the realm of marriage not only are our own lives at risk but the fruit that shall be brought forth - ‘each according to its kind.’ (Gen. 1:24)
I began this chapter by saying I would say something to the older single person. Let us remind ourselves of what we said earlier, that the Apostle Paul makes it quite clear that there are certain advantages and privileges available to those whose calling and gift of God is to remain unmarried. ‘But I want you to be without care. He who is unmarried cares for the things that belong to the Lord - how he may please the Lord. But he who is married cares about the things of the world - how he may please his wife. There is a difference between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit. But she who is married cares about the things of the world - how she may please her husband. And this I say for your own profit, not that I may put a lease on you, but for what is proper, and that you may serve the Lord without distraction.’ (1 Cor. 7:32-35)
There are realms in which the single person may enter, not enjoyed by those who have the cares and responsibilities of married life. I, personally, value deeply those who have time to give themselves to the work of God, both practically and spiritually for many will be able to boast as Isaiah: ‘Sing, O barren, you who have not borne! break forth into singing, and cry aloud, you who have not travailed with child! for more are the children of the desolate than the children of the married woman, says the Lord.’ (Isa. 54:1)
To be free to bring forth fruit unto God will be of more eternal value than many who have gained earthly happiness and security in married life. I am privileged to be part of a church where those who are single have profited more for the Kingdom of God than many others. There are today those who have entered into a real experience of the Lord due to the ministry of other single people. Do not consider that married life is the only goal God has, remember there are those who will gain much from the single life.
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