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Chapter 10. Counselling in Marriage
'Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for it.’ (Eph. 5:25) Likewise ye wives, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without the word, may be won by the conduct of their wives’ (1 Peter 3:1)
The day has arrived and all preparations are complete; the bride and groom have made their way to the church and stand before the minister. ‘Dearly beloved we are gathered here in the presence of God and before this congregation to join together this man and this woman in the holy estate of matrimony.’ So begins one of the most wonderful services to be held in the church of Jesus Christ.
As the service unfolds the minister begins to lay before the family and friends gathered the true meaning and importance of the occasion. The bride is an example of the church of Jesus Christ and the bridegroom of Jesus Himself. Revelation records: ‘And I heard, as it were, the voice of a great multitude, as the sound of many waters and as the sound of mighty thunderings, saying, “Alleluia! For the Lord God Omnipotent reigns! Let us be glad and rejoice and give him glory, for the marriage of the Lamb has come, and his wife has made herself ready.” And to her it was granted to be arrayed in fine linen, clean and bright, for the fine linen represents the righteous acts of the saints. Then he said to me, “Write: ‘Blessed are those who are called to the marriage supper of the Lamb!’” And he said to me, “These are the true sayings of God.”’ (Rev. 19:6-10)
She has arrived at the front of the church pure and clean, there is no contamination in her. She is arrayed in white, the expression of purity. We know, of course, that a church wedding has become the standard arrangement for most of the world. Ministers seem quite happy to marry couples regardless of their spiritual condition or desire to know God. Quite recently someone remarked that they had walked to the altar at their wedding three months pregnant wearing a wedding dress stolen from Harrods!
The Bride the Lamb’s Wife
Later on in Revelation we are again introduced to the Lamb’s wife. 'Come, I will show you the bride, the Lamb’s wife. . And he carried me away in the Spirit to a great and high mountain, and showed me the great city, the holy Jerusalem, descending out of heaven from God, having the glory of God. And her light was like a most precious stone, like a jasper stone, clear as crystal. and the construction of its wall was of jasper; and the city was pure gold, like clear glass.’ (Rev. 21:9-11,18)
The purpose of God is to bring everyone into this union. Marriage to the Lamb is accepted as the eternal outcome for all of God’s children. When John sees the ‘Holy City’ he sees it prepared as a bride adorned for her husband.
Marriage, in the Scriptures, is regarded as the only way in which men and women should live together in physical union and it is the will of God that one man should be married to one woman. We will see later that divorce, in relationship to the truth, is impossible to accept. This is also strengthened by the reply Jesus gave when challenged on the divorce issue. He says: “Have you not read that he who made them at the beginning ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” (Matt. 19:4-6)
It is interesting to see how the principle of monogamy, one man - one wife, instituted by God in the creation story, changes as mans history develops. Before the seventh generation had evolved, men had begun to take two wives, then the Scripture account of that series of generations ceases and a new series begins with the birth of another son, Seth. It is this son that Luke follows when tracing the heritage of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Later on in the times of the Kings of Israel we read that men were marrying so many women that in Solomon’s case he had seven hundred wives and three hundred concubines. However, whenever the principle of monogamy was not followed, serious problems arose and it is recorded: ‘When Solomon was old, his wives turned his heart after other gods.’ (1 Kings 11:1-4)
The Responsibility of the Christian Family
The responsibility of the Christian family today is to exhibit in life and experience the very nature of God. There is to be stamped on every physical union the mark of the purity of God. Paul, writing to the Ephesians says: ‘Christ also loved the church and gave himself for it, that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that it should be holy and without blemish.’ (Eph. 5:25-27)
The marriage bond is therefore a demonstration to the world of the wonderful union that exists between Jesus Christ and His church and I trust we shall seek to search our lives, as married couples, so that we may be examples to the world and our children as they grow up seeing, not only a true relationship with God being worked out, but that married life may be a pattern for them to follow in the future.
Ten Commandments
Before we look at the two different roles of husband and wife let us, perhaps, lay down ten sound guidelines for our relationship, as God did when giving the law to His people Israel.
1. You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, with all your strength, and your partner likewise.
2. You must love your wife or husband more than any other human being. You must not have secrets, all things must be shared openly.
3. You must never speak of each other in a derogatory way before others. If there is any criticism, fault or correction it should be done in private and certainly never before the children.
4. You must spend, at least, one day with each other remembering that God said, “Six days shalt thou labour and on the seventh day rest” Six days you can be involved in meetings, play squash etc. but one day is for your wife or husband.
5. You must never let your parents rule your life.
6. You must never be angry or speak unkindly or use force against your wife or husband.
7. You must never seek pleasure outside your marriage in unclean literature, films or in self abuse. You must never be drawn out towards a member of the opposite sex.
8. You must never be selfish with time or money. All that you have is each other’s including the chores.
9. You must never twist the truth or tell lies.
10 You must never covet your neighbour’s house, car or any of his possessions that will create spirit of dissatisfaction. Always be content with the things you have.
Having looked briefly at these principles we must remind ourselves that this book is not primarily involved with the physical aspects of married life, for as we have seen in the previous chapter, our concern is to keep in relationship with God thus creating the true basis of life together. However, it must be said that the physical side of marriage is the normal expression of love and should be outworked in the purity ordained by God.
Paul writes: ‘Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.’ (1 Cor. 7:3-5) Every couple will experience a diminishing in sexual desire during times of fasting and prayer.
The Husband’s Part
To the husband, Paul’s instructions to the Ephesians confirms that the husband is the head of the wife and the leader of his family as Jesus is leader of His church. He is the head as Jesus is the head. Paul again says: ‘I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.’ (1 Cor. 11:3)
Before marrying, the man must be prepared to take that responsibility for his wife before the presence of God. Up to the day of the marriage, a true father has taken 100% care of his daughter, possibly for twenty years or so, and now passes this commitment to his future son-in-law. A man who does not lead his wife will fail her and encourage her to be either independent or seek help outside her marriage to the ultimate detriment of her whole family. It is remembered that a wife can only submit to a man when he takes up his headship role properly as a husband.
Marriage certainly reveals the man’s spiritual qualities, not only in the church but also in the home. Paul writes to Timothy concerning eldership: ‘A bishop then must be blameless, the husband of one wife, temperate, sober minded, of good behaviour, hospitable, able to teach; not given to wine, not violent, not greedy for money, but gentle, not quarrelsome, not covetous; one who rules his own house well, having his children in submission with all reverence (for if a man does not know how to rule his own house, how will he take care of the church of God?’ (1 Tim. 3:2-5) Surely all Christian men should seek to fulfil this charge.
Prayer - A Secret
Let us be reminded that prayer is one secret of the spiritual man as he considers his wife and family. It becomes part of his daily routine, rising early so that he may prepare his life before God for the day that lies ahead. Luke reveals something of our Lord’s prayer life. ‘Then the report went around concerning him all the more; and great multitudes came together to hear, and to be healed by him of their infirmities. So he himself often withdrew into the wilderness and prayed. Now it happened on a certain day, as he was teaching, that there were Pharisees and teachers of the law sitting by, who had come out of every town of Galilee, Judea, and Jerusalem. And the power of the Lord was present to heal them. (Luke 5:15-17) It must be said that a man’s prayer life lays the foundation for God to work and move, though not necessarily at the time of prayer, but maybe many days later. I would consider that three months of consistent daily prayer life would reap much benefit in our lives as leaders of our families.
Selfishness should have no place in the home. A man’s decision must always be for the good of his family and not himself. He will never make a decision without knowing his wife’s views of the matter. As the head of the wife he is constantly in touch with his own head, Jesus, his covering, especially when there is conflict so that he might know the mind of the Lord, not that he will demand his wife to be obedient but will, by his love and care, reveal the heart of God.
He must be fair to his wife accepting that, at times, it takes longer for a woman to reach a decision, always showing a tenderness of nature, not one of those men who, if they do not get their own way, become sulky or irritated, doing what they can to make the atmosphere of the home uncomfortable.
Carried Away with the Work of God
Sometimes a man can get carried away with the desire to do the will of God and fail to see that his wife is not able to cope at that time. I remember a very keen young Christian man who invited a homosexual lad into his house to stay. His wife did not find it easy to accept this, but was forced into believing that it was the will of God, which of course it wasn’t. How will the Lord want someone to stay in the family home if it isn’t the desire of all the family?
Often I have been asked to help a wife try to reconcile the family budget while her husband sits in front of the television with the paper in his hand. A true Christian husband will not be a lazy man but will ensure that he makes every provision for his house, even if he has to work overtime or take secondary employment. However, he will not be dominated by material concerns, but seek first the Kingdom of God knowing that the Lord will provide for all his needs.
The home is the expression of a man’s heart. To answer the question, “What is your heart like?” just look around your home. Is it neat and tidy? Is there unfinished decorating? Are your clothes strewn all over the floor? Perhaps you thought that tidying was your wife’s job? I do not believe it is. A man should so live his life so that no one need clear up after him.
If it is true that we get accustomed to our environment so that we do not notice these things, let us pray that God reveal those areas which are not pleasing to Him so that we may put them right. You may remember that the prodigal son finished up in the pig sty before he came to himself!
Husbands Love your Wives
The great secret of Christian marriage is to love our wives as Jesus loved the church. Jesus said that to love was the greatest of all commandments. "Greater love has no one than this, to lay down his life for his friends." (John 15:13) This is great love, especially if we have it for our wives. How should we love them? The Bible tells us that love is patient and long suffering, and should work especially during those times in the month when, because of her physical make-up, she may become emotional due to the change in the balance of hormones. This is when she really needs that extra warmth and tender love that makes up the lack when she seems less loveable.
Love has time to communicate. It is never too busy to draw out what she thinks, the things she has done, that she might be loved more effectively. It is this lack of sharing that creates many of the problems which exist between couples. Love is always forgiving, it must take into consideration the greater love of Jesus who was prepared to die for the sinner in order to present the sinner perfect to Himself.
Love understands and works for the truth. It doesn’t press itself and demand. Love is kind and seeks not to hurt. Remember, your wife looks to you for encouragement, without it she is utterly desolate. She has given herself; love does not reject her because it doesn’t understand; it never dwells on weaknesses; it protects her privacy. It never reveals things in public but bears them all. Love expresses itself in kind ways. When was the last time you surprised your wife by offering to do the washing up or hoovering the floor? Love tells her he loves her, especially in company.
Love is generous; lets her do the things she loves even if it excludes him. Love is humble; pride destroys a relationship. Love is always quick to say sorry. Love is polite and remembers that there are things that make his wife feel special, like opening the door for her. Love is not easily offended, does not seek disharmony, is not short tempered or irritable. Love is trusting. Love goes the extra mile - and is quick to excuse.
Love brings about a deep serenity and goes out of its way to prove itself by word and deed. Love does not keep accounts of wrong. Love never fails. Love is more important than food and water to your relationship. Love springs from communion with the God of love by living in the Spirit.
The Wives’ Part
Now we must turn our attention to wives. Paul writes: ‘Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.’ (Eph. 5:22) Unless she does this, her husband cannot love her effectively. To submit does not mean that she is inferior or a slave to the passions and will of her husband. It does not mean that she has to be a silent cabbage. Some would say that the Scriptures indicate that the role of a woman in the church is one of utter silence learning only in all subjection and not usurping authority over the man, suggesting that she should not even pray aloud.
Paul, of course, gives her liberty, within the context of submission, to pray and prophesy. ‘But every woman who prays or prophesies with her head uncovered dishonours her head, for that is one and the same thing as if her head were shaved.’ (1 Cor. 11:5) The wife is a partner in a union where the husband is the senior partner. Partnership only works if the two are working together in harmony, where we are both responsible to do our part. Wives who do not submit to their husbands become dominant and bossy and take themselves outside of the covering that God has provided to keep them safe. This is the reason that Paul says a woman must cover her head in the church so that she will not become a target for the devil. ‘For this reason the woman ought to have a symbol of authority on her head, because of the angels. Nevertheless, neither is man independent of woman, nor woman independent of man, in the Lord.’ (1 Cor. 11:10-11)
It must be clearly said that there is no evidence in the Scriptures to support the view that women may take up the responsibility to pray against others who are demonically troubled. In experience, this has often led to the devil retaliating against those in whom God has not invested this authority resulting in sickness and spiritual problems. Wives have the privilege of being under the care and authority of their husbands.
Those who do not submit are being deceived by the devil. You only have to remember the beginning of man and woman, where Eve moved away from her true position in relation to Adam and caused sin to enter into the world. Not that we should lay the blame singly upon her but she was a partner in it. Feminism and Woman’s liberation is motivated by the same enemy of the souls of mankind and is one of the reasons for the breakdown in human relationships. The secret of submission is the deepest expression of love that seems to have its outworking in being able to communicate with one another. How often I have encouraged wives to share their hearts with their own husbands.
True Submission
True submission and its ultimate sharing of hearts is worked out for us in the story of Samson and Delilah. Samson, we know, was a very special man whom God had endowed with great power and Delilah is persuaded by the Philistine leaders to find the secret of his strength. By a process of deception she eventually brings him to the place where the Bible says, he tells her all his heart and comes under her power. Although she desired this knowledge for the gain of her leaders, the principle must be the same for the wife in relationship with her husband. She must know all the secrets of his heart so that she may love him more effectively.
If the husband does not see the way clearly, Peter reveals a key: ‘Likewise you wives, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear.’ (1 Peter 3:1-2) It can be guaranteed that nagging him will not produce any good. It can only result in making him more stubborn and irritable. Someone commented that the secret of his fifty years of marriage was, “Yes dear”! A wife’s happiness is dependent upon her husband being in loving control, not defeated by the constant demands of a selfish woman. A loving wife will never criticise or run down her husband but will always support and respect him .‘'As Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror.’ (1 Peter 3:6)
Help from the Wisdom of Solomon
The wife has been created by the Father as a suitable helper for her husband and a spiritual man will realise that he cannot fulfil his ministerial role without her. His whole spiritual ministry is dependent upon her relationship with the Lord as well as his.. No wonder the Bible says: ‘He who finds a wife finds a good thing.’ (Prov. 18:22) The woman becomes the outward expression of the man as the church is the outward expression of Jesus Christ.
If we were to update Solomon’s view of a wonderful wife we may read it today as, ‘The home is the centre of her life and the joy of her heart. Her husband can trust her with all his possessions. He is not afraid that, if given the joint cheque book, she will waste the money but only spend on that which she knows she will have his agreement. She does not need to ask him all the time. She will seek to save money rather than ask for more and with what she has will richly supply all the family’s needs.
His wife is totally devoted to him and cannot find another man to match him in any way. She loves to talk to him and share the things of the day. She lives for his fulfilment. The wife keeps cool and calm working with her hands so that she can make her family smart and attractive. She decorates her home and keeps it neat and tidy. She knows where everything goes and can find anything she needs at a moment’s notice. She cleans and dusts the house cheerfully. She buys wisely at various shops where, not only can she provide her family with a well balanced menu but, with a little more effort she can save money and still present meals which are attractively served.
She is certainly not lazy in her cooking but is always learning new ideas from her host of cook books. She rises early in the morning to pray, well before her family rises so that she is ready to prepare breakfast and ensure that she can get them all off to work or school without having to rush to iron a shirt or mend the hole that had appeared the day before. She makes sure they are all safely away before starting her busy schedule. She may consider the garden where she has a variety of plants, cabbages, tomatoes, beans, etc. which will provide her family with vegetables over the following months. She also has a variety of fruit bushes and trees that will provide fresh fruit.
She seeks daily to grow stronger and wiser that she may do many things around the house to help her husband. She will know how to mend a fuse so that she does not have to sit all night in darkness waiting for her husband to come in from the meeting! She does not collapse at about 2.00pm so that she cannot handle her family when they come in from school. Both the children and the husband will return to a home which is tidy and organised. She picks up her sewing or knitting at the times they are free to talk over the day’s events, so as to keep her hands busy. Many of these clothes are for the winter ahead but others are for those who have greater need than herself. She has time to visit those who need encouragement or who are sick so that she may assist them with their homes, bringing instruction in the care and support of the family from her own experience.
She is always attractively dressed so that if she has any callers she is not found in her dressing gown and curlers! - but her dress is not to attract attention. Not only is she smartly dressed but the characteristics of her inner life match that of her outward beauty. When she speaks she is wise, not wanting to speak foolishly. She is careful to guide her family and is not found idly watching television or chatting endlessly on the telephone while the children go wild in the house.
Her husband is respected in the church and she and her children love and respect him, he, in turn, is always boasting of her and singing her praises. She is the most wonderful woman in the world and in the church is an example of the bride of Christ. Her life is one of varied excitement. She is a business woman, partner, lover, homemaker, housekeeper, interior decorator, gardener, cook, chauffeur, investor, clothes maker, student of the word of God and a woman of prayer.’
True Beauty
The Bible doesn’t say a great deal about the way a wife is to love her husband but one way in which she can express her love is in the way she looks. One of the problems of today is being overweight. Slimming Clubs have become a substitute for the discipline we all need to keep ourselves from overindulgence. So many have difficulty in resisting the cream cakes and biscuits that put on those extra pounds. Remember the Bible says: ‘The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.’ (1 Cor. 7:4.) The wife’s body, therefore, must be cherished for her husband. The woman is the expression of the husband. Her outward beauty reveals the life that she lives in her heart, her happiness is clearly displayed on her face.
Cosmetics
Should the Christian woman cover this beauty with the countless cosmetics that are available in the shops today? Peter says: ‘Do not let your beauty be that outward adorning of arranging the hair, of wearing gold, or of putting on fine apparel; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible ornament of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God.’ (1 Peter 3:3-4)
These cosmetics can often be a cover up and even a clearer way of revealing one’s own inner nature. I remember a young girl who, as a teenager, was very unhappy. She was the sad result of a broken marriage and, looking for love, she found many men who were prepared to take advantage of her. As she went deeper into sin and uncleanness so the outward adorning changed until, the last time I saw her, she was wearing the shortest of mini skirts and had dyed her cropped hair red. She now was an advertisement to any corrupt man that she was willing to be used for any unclean purpose.
Beauty is the shining forth of the purity that is within, implanted by the life of Jesus. Esther, we read, when preparing herself to be brought before the King spent a whole year long, purified six months with the oil of myrrh and six months with sweet odours and with other things for the purifying of women. Beauty treatments must make a woman pure. Jezebel, the wicked wife of Ahab was known as an evil woman and on the day of her death it is recorded that she had painted her face. What are we saying? That inner beauty is more precious to God and to your husband than any elaborate hair style or the abundance of jewellery and an expensive wardrobe. Inner beauty comes from times of communion with God as He imparts the divine nature.
The final thing we must say to the wives is that they must be aware of what they think. I have met many who, through the years of insecurity, have a basic belief that they are useless. Remember the Bible says: ‘For as he thinks in his heart, so is he’ (Prov. 23:7). Here is her greatest privilege in marriage, that her husband is now responsible for her before God, so that he might 'present her' to himself a 'glorious body', not having 'spot or wrinkle' or any such thing even as the Lord loves and presents his church to Himself, so she should ‘be holy and without blemish.’ (Eph. 5:27)
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