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Chapter 11. Counselling in Family Life
'Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.’' (Prov. 22:6)
We now move on to consider the fruit of the union that is produced from the relationship between husband and wife. When God first created man and woman it is recorded that He gave instructions that they should: ‘Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the earth.’ (Gen. 1:28) It is God’s heart for married couples to bear fruit. We must therefore firstly understand God’s fruit bearing principle which is laid down for us in the beginning of our Bibles. ‘Then God said, “Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb that yields seed, and the fruit tree that yields fruit according to its kind, whose seed is in itself, on the earth”; and it was so. And the earth brought forth grass, the herb that yields seed according to its kind, and the tree that yields fruit, whose seed is in itself according to its kind. And God saw that it was good.’ (Gen. 1:11-12)
And God said: “Let us make man in our image, according to our likeness; let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.” ‘So God created man in his own image; in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.’ (Gen. 1:26-27)
Referring to the seed which is the source of all reproduction, He says it will reproduce itself in future generations. Often it is useful to look at practical illustrations to enlarge the truth of God. In this case I want to compare God’s spiritual laws to reveal the pattern for the lives of God’s families. We are told by Peter that it is the incorruptible seed by which we are born again .’Through the word of God which lives and abides for ever.’ (1 Peter 1:23) As we have already seen the seed will only bring forth after its own kind, apples after apples, corn after corn and so on. It must also be said that those who by the grace of God have received the seed of God will be like the life and nature of the Son of God. John states quite clearly: ‘He who sins is of the devil, for the devil has sinned from the beginning. For this purpose the Son of God was manifested, that he might destroy the works of the devil. Whoever has been born of God does not sin, for his seed remains in him; and he cannot sin, because he has been born of God. In this the children of God and the children of the devil are manifest.’ (1 John 3:8-10)
To those who reject the sublime truth in this verse let me illustrate this using a parable from family life. I remember when I could walk hand in hand with my young boys. They trusted me implicitly to cross busy roads and when going to strange places they would stay very close. Let me picture a scene on a very busy road with high juggernaut lorries coursing down at great speed. Could I have taken one of my young sons and thrown him under one of those lorries? I have the strength to do so but something constrains me, I cannot do it. It’s all by birth and that love that is in me. Let not the devil deceive any of us, we have the power of the seed of the living God and have been freed from the most devastating disease in mankind, sin.
Luke introduces us to the wonderful story of the birth of Jesus Christ. The angel appears to Mary. “And behold, you will conceive in your womb and bring forth a Son, and shall call His name JESUS. He will be great, and will be called the Son of the Highest; and the Lord God will give him the throne of his father David. And he will reign over the house of Jacob for ever, and of his kingdom there will be no end.” Then Mary said to the angel, “How can this be, since I do not know a man?” And the angel answered and said to her, “The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Highest will overshadow you; therefore also, that holy one who is to be born will be called the Son of God. For with God nothing will be impossible." (Luke 1:31-35)
As we follow the life of the Lord through the Gospels we see nothing of the devil’s working in His life, although he sought to do so and how that, in the end, He hung on the cross as pure and holy as He was born. There was no sin in Him. This precious life was born into a world of terrifying extremes. Imagine leaving your baby with a known child killer! We know that Jesus was cared for by His Father. The angel appeared to Joseph in a dream saying: “Arise, take the young child and his mother, flee to Egypt, and stay there until I bring you word; for Herod will seek the young child to destroy him.” 'Then Herod, when he saw that he was deceived by the wise men, was exceedingly angry; and he sent forth and put to death all the male children who were in Bethlehem and in all its districts.' (Matt. 2:13-18) What a dreadful thing sin is but how powerful is the seed that God has introduced into the world! We must all understand this.
Jesus meeting Nicodemus said: "Unless one is born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God. Nicodemus said to him, “How can a man be born when he is old? Can he enter a second time into his mother’s womb, and be born?” Jesus answered, “Most assuredly, I say to you, unless one is born of water and the Spirit, he cannot enter the kingdom of God. That which is born of the flesh is flesh, and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit." (John 3:3-6)
A New Birth
At new birth God plants His seed into us and we become: ‘partakers of the divine nature.’ (2 Peter 1:4) I remember meeting a young Christian woman who had been married for a few years and was the mother of a little girl two years old. When we first met she had what was described as an incurable mental disorder which resulted in her shaking from head to foot, constantly. Three months of every six months was spent in a mental hospital seeking, by drugs, to contain this desperate condition. I wanted God to help her and so invited her to my home, but with tragic results for as we loved her, so her state worsened, and she became increasingly distressed until one evening she lay on the floor unable to breathe. Had we left her she could have surely died.
I knelt down and sought the Lord, not praying anything particular but crying out to Him for help, and she started to breathe again and sat up. Although she lived on Valium she could respond so much just to a word of encouragement then at times she would stop breathing again. Now it seemed that no help came from our prayers and an ambulance was called. Through mouth to mouth resuscitation by my wife and the ambulance crew, she arrived in hospital to be given only forty eight hours to live.
The next day she was returned to us, the hospital had discharged her. She told me she had met Jesus Christ in the crisis and on returning to her own hospital at a later date they too discharged her with this note, ‘This woman is a miracle.’ Her background was one of total rejection. She was the product of uncaring parents but God had brought His new life into her heart, she had been born again of that incorruptible seed.
The Ground Must be Cleared
In many who call themselves Christians, there is ground which cannot bring forth fruit. One only has to read the parable of the sower to see that there has to be a complete clearing of the ground before the seed can take root and grow into the fulfilment of its own life.
We have seen earlier that Mary was a very special woman, she was a virgin and the Holy Ghost bypassed the natural conception principle and planted the seed within her womb. Had this not been so Jesus would have been born into the life and nature of His father Adam. God does not recognise any means of salvation other than the implantation of the Holy seed of God in the womb of the life which has been purified and washed in the precious blood of Christ. New birth makes a person totally new and free from sin. Therefore, God promises, before ever moving into a human life, to wash that life with clean water so that it shall be clean and to change the old heart and put a new heart within, thus allowing His Son, by His Holy Spirit, to take up residence. ‘Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean; I will cleanse you from all your filthiness and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a right spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.’ (Ezek. 36:25-26) Mary’s response to the call of God for her life was: "Let it be to me according to your word." (Luke 1:38) It was done instantly and Jesus was conceived to come forth in reality.
Life Begins in the Womb
At this point let us compare two men of God, Zacharias in the New Testament and David in the Old Testament, so that we may illustrate that at the point of conception life begins for the new child. God recognises that it is there, even if for us it may only be the size of a pinhead and what we are will govern the life of a child. Zacharias was found faithfully serving in the temple when God brought the news that they were to have a son. ‘For he will be great in the sight of the Lord, and shall drink neither wine nor strong drink. He will also be filled with the Holy Spirit, even from his mother’s womb.’ (Luke 1:15) `And it happened, when Elizabeth heard the greeting of Mary, that the babe leaped in her womb; and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit.’ (Luke 1:41)
David’s son, sadly, was conceived in adultery. ‘Then David said to Nathan, “I have sinned against the Lord.” And Nathan said to David, “The Lord also has put away your sin; you shall not die. However, because by this deed you have given great occasion to the enemies of the Lord to blaspheme, the child also who is born to you shall surely die.” Then Nathan departed to his house. And the Lord struck the child that Uriah’s wife bore to David, and it became very ill.’ (2 Sam. 12:13-15) Later we read that David comforted his wife and she bore him a son and he called his name Solomon and the Lord loved him.
Many problems relating to children are caused by the sin of their parents, and families continue to experience tragedies in their lives. One young woman lost two children in cot deaths before God stepped in to deliver her from the sin in which she herself had been conceived. New Birth had set her free. As we have seen through the principles of God’s life, our own children are mirrors in which we see ourselves. These young lives should be a joy to us and an expression of our own relationship with our Father, that is the God of heaven, if we have been born again as sons. We are to fashion our children by the same principle that Paul lays down for husbands to love their wives, that they may present them to himself as holy examples as Jesus presents us to Himself - ‘a glorious church.’ (Eph. 5:27)
Dedicating our Children to the Lord
In the remarkable story of Moses we see a further principle underlined for us, of God. You will, of course, be aware of the background in which the children were being born. Pharaoh had decreed that all the baby boys were to be exterminated at birth. The midwives, we read: ‘feared God, and did not do as the King of Egypt commanded them, but saved the male children alive. So the king of Egypt called for the midwives and said to them, “Why have you done this thing, and saved the male children alive?” And the midwives said to Pharaoh, “Because the Hebrew women are not like the Egyptian women; for they are lively and give birth before the midwives come to them.” Therefore God dealt well with the midwives, and the people multiplied and grew very mighty. And so it was, because the midwives feared God, that he provided households for them. So Pharaoh commanded all his people, saying, “Every son who is born you shall cast into the river, and every daughter you shall save alive."’ (Exo. 1:15-22)
I can imagine crowds of men searching houses to see if they can find any baby boys so as to cast them into the river to their death, probably to the crocodiles! Jochebed, the mother of Moses, hid him as long as she could but finding her task increasingly difficult as the goodly child grew she was forced to put him in the hands of her God.
She did this by taking an ark of bulrushes: ‘daubed it with asphalt and pitch, put the child in it, and laid it in the reeds by the river’s bank. And his sister stood afar off to know what would be done to him. Then the daughter of Pharaoh came down to wash herself at the river. And her maidens walked along the river’s side; and when she saw the ark among the reeds, she sent her maid to get it. And when she had opened it, she saw the child, and behold, the baby wept. So she had compassion on him, and said, “This is one of the Hebrews’ children.” Then his sister said to Pharaoh’s daughter, “Shall I go and call a nurse for you from the Hebrew women, that she may nurse the child for you?” And Pharaoh’s daughter said to her, “Go.” So the maiden went and called the child’s mother. And Pharaoh’s daughter said to her, “Take this child away and nurse him for me, and I will give you your wages.” So the woman took the child and nursed him. And the child grew, and she brought him to Pharaoh’s daughter, and he became her son. So he called his name Moses, saying, “Because I drew him out of the water.”’ (Exo. 2:1-10)
I see a very clear picture of dedication here, as we come to the church to present our children to the Lord. If we leave them in the world surely they will be swallowed up by sin. Everything around us is against the principles of God and will influence our children throughout their lives, but God in His great love gives us personal charge of their upbringing that they may grow to become His sons. Children cannot possibly pattern their own lives; they need constant loving guidance and supervision. The Scriptures do not exhort children to love their parents but to obey them. Paul writes to the Ephesians on this line: ‘Children obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honour your father and mother, which is the first commandment with a promise: that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth. And you fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.’ (Eph. 6:1-4)
Fathers must Love their Daughters
I cannot count the number of young people I have counselled who have not respected their parents. “My Father is always shouting. I have to go upstairs to get out of his way.” No wonder they grow up becoming aggressive and rebellious! It is so very important that the family receives balanced love. Fathers love your daughters. The majority of girls who grow up with serious emotional problems come from homes where fathers have not spent time with them or demonstrated practical love. They have never been hugged or kissed, therefore they go out searching for it, and, because they are immature and inexperienced, fall into sexual sin, deceived by men appearing to offer love, but in reality seeking to fulfil their own evil desires. A daughter who all her life knows the security and love of a father will grow up sound and enter into a pure relationship at an age of responsibility.
Mothers love your sons. Demonstrate pure womanly love as a pattern for the future when your son will be seeking a woman to love and cherish. Do not dominate them for this unbalanced love leads to many of the homosexual leanings prevalent in our day. A mother’s love, if not exercised wisely, becomes possessive and will develop effeminate characteristics.
For busy men, one of the greatest tragedies is that there is no time for the children. This has concerned me for many years. As my boys have grown up I have taken opportunities to spend time with them individually. I remember a very profitable trip to America and Canada with my eldest son, Andrew. It combined ministry with visiting the country and we travelled 10,000 miles around the North American Continent, spending time together.
With Philip, days of looking for cars and hours spent on repairs have proved ways in which we have been able to draw closer together. Unless we do spend time it is inevitable that their lives will be forged in the places where they spend most of their time, firstly in school and then at work, imbibing the influences of the world.
I recall a young girl who was a regular visitor in the church, and during her school days she would have confessed that she loved the Lord. When she went to work all that was swept aside and, eventually, she got involved with a married man. As parents, we can never sit back and hope for the best. The responsibility is ours. I believe the apostle had this heart when he wrote: ‘I do not write these things to shame you, but as my beloved children I warn you. For though you might have ten thousand instructors in Christ, yet you do not have many fathers; for in Christ Jesus I have begotten you through the gospel. Therefore I urge you, imitate me.’ (1 Cor. 4:14-16)
It is God’s Heart to Save Families
It is the purpose of God to save our families, not that I believe we have a guarantee from the Lord. I remember a woman, talking of her daughter who had rejected the things of the Lord and gone out after sin, saying, “I know the Lord will save her in the end.” It is, obviously, something we must constantly pray for until we are sure they have made sound commitments to the Lord. Believing, as young children, may be a simple acceptance of faith but there is no promise that they will grow up into mature sons of God.
We see the great desire of God illustrated for us in the preaching of the Gospel by Paul to the Philippian jailer when he and Silas had been singing and praising God in the jail. ‘"The foundations of the prison were shaken; and immediately all the doors were opened and everyone’s chains were loosed. And the keeper of the prison, awaking from sleep and seeing the prison doors open, supposing the prisoners had fled drew his sword and was about to kill himself. But Paul called with a loud voice, saying, “Do yourself no harm, for we are all here.” Then he called for a light, ran in, and fell down trembling before Paul and Silas. And he brought them out and said, “Sirs, what must I do to be saved?” So they said, “Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and you will be saved, you and your household.” Then they spoke the word of the Lord to him and to all who were in his house. And he took them the same hour of the night and washed their stripes. And immediately he and all his family were baptized. Now when he had brought them into his house, he set food before them; and he rejoiced, having believed in God with all his household. (Acts 16:26-34)
Before we embark on the bringing of children into the world we must be clear about our purpose for so doing. We need God’s help to care for them effectively. Unless we, as parents, give our children to God He cannot protect them. Matthew records: “Take heed that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven." (Matt. 18:10)
What do we do when our children are sick? Naturally we are concerned, but do we straightaway rush to the doctor or do we first ask the Lord? Often it is the children who have greater faith in praying for others than we ourselves! I recall a five year old praying for his sister and God healed her.
Discipline is a Key
Hebrews is our guide and shows the way that discipline should be given. How many children have become wayward, because parents are afraid, at times, to be firm with them, fearing their children will not love them. ‘And you have forgotten the exhortation which speaks to you as to sons: “My son, do not despise the chastening of the Lord, nor be discouraged when you are rebuked by him; for whom the Lord loves he chastens, and scourges every son whom he receives.” If you endure chastening, God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom a father does not chasten? But if you are without chastening, of which all have become partakers, then are you illegitimate and not sons. Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but grievous; nevertheless, afterwards it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.’ (Heb. 12:5-8)
Probably, like me, you are not a great lover of discipline, either giving it or receiving it, but will have discovered it to be the basis in which we are to live ordered lives. If the instructors are not disciplined what hope will there be for those instructed? - remembering, of course, that people will learn more by what they see than by what is said!
I see five facets that will confirm us as suitable instructors in the realms of discipline. Firstly - our lives are in order. I have often visited families to find the home in utter chaos. I do appreciate that with young children things may, for a time, become out of order but to go to bed leaving the place totally dishevelled or going out in the morning leaving all in a mess is the character of the life within. Secondly - James says: ‘If anyone does not stumble in word, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle the whole body.’ (James 3:2) A disciplined life is able to control the tongue. All respect can be lost simply by the sudden outburst from parents who have lost their cool. Thirdly - practical things are in order, especially in the financial realm. How easy it is with the plastic card to be uncontrolled in the areas of spending, fourthly - a disciplined life is one where time is important. finally - timekeeping, if arranging to be at a meeting at 7.30 it is much better to be there early than to keep people waiting.
The secret of the disciplined life can be found in our Lord Jesus Christ: ‘who, in the days of his flesh, when he had offered up prayers and supplications, with vehement cries and tears to him who was able to save him from death, and was heard because of his godly fear, though he was a Son, yet he learned obedience by the things which he suffered. And having been perfected, he became the author of salvation to all who obey Him.’ (Heb. 5:7-9) If we are found in obedience to the Lord we shall have the power needed to bring our families into the obedience of our wills.
Instruction from Proverbs
Proverbs is full of good advice to any parent who is desirous of seeking the instruction of God in this realm. Modern teaching methods deny godly principles. Free expression takes the place of corporal punishment and rebellion the place of submission to authority, particularly in the home. ‘Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.’ (Prov. 22:6) It is the early years that are so important. All basic disciplinary work will be established in the first three years.
The Scriptures also encourage the use of physical discipline. ‘Do not withhold correction from a child, for if you beat him with a rod, he will not die.’ (Prov. 23:13) ‘The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself brings his mother to shame.’ ( Prov. 29:15)
It must be said that so many parents avoid punishment. One sound smack on a child’s backside will save hours of nagging and shouting. Love must express itself this way. Natural man does not want to be corrected. Children, however, should not need to be disciplined physically after a maximum age of ten, otherwise the opposite begins to happen and children become hurt and humiliated. How often do young twelve year old children withdraw into themselves because of the fear of being hit by their fathers?
Fathers, you are to love your children and not just launch out into fits of temper, otherwise they will grow up separated from your love. You will wonder why you cannot communicate with them when they are older. I believe the foundation of family joy and love is found in the home, around the dinner table, where the family enjoy eating their meals together and are able to talk freely to one another. It is true to say that if parents are unable to control their children in the home they will not be able to outside. How embarrassing it is when our young child is displaying his true colours in a friend’s home and we cannot do anything about it!
The Pitfalls of Discipline
Now let me detail some of the obvious pitfalls parents may encounter in the discipline of their growing youngsters.
Firstly:- when they are young it will not take too long to discover that they have a nature opposed to your own! Although they have been conceived and born of Christian parents the disposition of the Adam nature is surely in them. They will soon know that by crying they can gain the attention they want and this is proved when you pick them up - they soon stop! They are, of course, seeking to establish their own wills upon you, turning the care you have for them, whether they need feeding or changing, into control over you. Soon they will want to sleep in your bed at nights after being up most of the evening.
As they grow older, when you refuse to give them what they ask for, they will stamp their feet or fall on the floor in a temper. Many parents find themselves in the habit of saying, “No” more than once, developing habits in their children which will encourage them not to take any word spoken seriously. Parents may even avoid saying, “No” stating that this will even encourage their children to feel guilty! When visiting friends’ homes this is worked out by the youngsters emptying cupboards, pouring the contents of tea and sugar all over the floor. Instead of enjoying pleasant fellowship, time is wasted in running round picking up broken pieces of ornaments spoiling what could be precious friendship. The tragedy is that when these youngsters grow up they will not respect others' property and will even be encouraged to steal. If people do say they are wrong they will feel that society is against them and they are being persecuted.
Secondly:- we must be aware of the influences young children bring into the home from their friends. They may swear but please do not laugh at them. This will encourage them to feel clever and find more serious words in order to shock you. It is important to deal with the root of these friendships and discuss them with the children so that only righteous words are ever repeated.
Thirdly:- never leave their spiritual training to others, not even if you have a very good Sunday School. Their spiritual lives are your responsibility alone, although help in that task can be very rewarding. Encourage them to seek the Lord for themselves, especially when they are sick or in later years when decisions need to be made. If they do not find the Lord in their young lives how shall they, when they grow older, learn to trust in Him completely? Guide them into tidiness. So many rooms occupied by children are simply heaps of scattered clothes, books and playthings. Remember that we live in the outworking of our own hearts. If we help them to be lazy they will become real trials to those they marry - husbands throwing clothes over the floor and expecting their wives to tidy up after them. Children should not be free to enjoy their own pleasures until their allotted tasks are completed.
Fourthly:- be very watchful over the literature they read and the television programmes they watch. Remember that the devil’s medium is situated in the corner of most homes ready to soak the vulnerable child in all the permissiveness of sin. They will learn through these means all the wrong things about love and relationships. There must come a time when each youngster must know the clear facts of life and parents are the ones to share these, not the children at school or their teachers.
Fifthly:- never argue in their presence, if you need to argue at all! By doing this you are feeding them with a way of life and possibly preparing them for a broken home in the future. Children will drink of their parents. They can never be better than us; not until the Lord comes clearly to them.
Sixthly:- be very wise regarding how much money they have to spend. It is always good for them to earn their own, not that I suggest they get paid for doing their household duties which all the family should do, but at special times, maybe to wash the car or spend some hours in the garden. Never allow them to go away together as young people without mature supervision. This encourages sin to develop, not because of deliberate intention but out of immaturity. Some young people I have known have been introduced into drugs and sexual relationships this way. Do not allow them to be free to do their own thing until you are convinced that the principles of God are clearly established in their own lives.
Always make sure you know where they are and give them a time to return. This will continue to deepen your relationship with them. Always be sure they know the responsibilities connected with relationships with the opposite sex, especially covering physical contact.
By following some of these rules maybe we shall have the privilege of seeing our young people grow up into mature men and women able to lead their own youngsters to the Lord. It is true to say that the real mark of success in the bringing up of children is how it is worked out in the grandchildren. One older man and his wife I met recently had nine children and twenty six grandchildren who were all involved in the life of various churches.
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