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Chapter 12. Counselling Childless Couples
'Behold, children are an heritage from the Lord, The fruit of the womb is his reward'’ (Psa. 127:3)
Following our chapter on family life we need to consider as kindly and tenderly as possible reasons for childlessness and possible answers from a Scriptural rather than a medical view. It is true that every woman has a natural desire and urge to bring forth fruit that springs from the intimate union that she has with her husband. God reveals his own heart in the beginning of His book. ‘Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, according to our likeness; let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.” So God created man in his own image; in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. Then God blessed them, and God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it; have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”’ (Gen. 1:26-28)
There are certainly medical reasons for barrenness. But, sometimes, mistakenly, a physical diagnosis is given for a condition which is actually spiritual in its root cause. I trust to cover in this chapter, some of the spiritual causes of barrenness, touching upon the following subjects:
1. Our relationship to God.
2. The effect of things in the past, particularly our upbringing.
3. Obedience to the laws of God and right living between couples.
4. Living in a relationship which engenders love and not fear, particularly in the approach to the sexual union which allows children to come in the world.
The Old Testament principle
In Old Testament days and today in the East (not so much in the West), to be a wife without motherhood was and is always regarded, not so much a matter of regret, but as a reproach, a humiliation that might easily lead to divorce. As we look through the scripture and examine particularly the stories of those who were barren, we see a picture emerging and begin to understand some of the reasons why these couples were childless.
Man was created to be fruitful, but the intervention of the devil into the affairs of men and women brought in difficulties in child bearing. ‘To the woman he said: “I will greatly multiply your sorrow and your conception; in pain you shall bring forth children; your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you." ' (Gen. 3:16) Surely here is an important point. If we are to benefit from God’s creative laws, we must ensure we follow His principles, and especially those related to having children.
When God made the trees he said: "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb that yields seed, and the fruit tree that yields fruit according to its kind, whose seed is in itself, on the earth”; and it was so.’ (Gen. 1:11), thus indicating that the seed is in the fruit itself. When sin entered into the world, it spoiled God’s perfect creation and therefore we must ensure we are free from all our sin. One illustration mentioned earlier is useful for us to consider here. A young lady shared with us that her monthly menstrual cycle had ceased its natural function for over eighteen months. Her mother was obviously greatly concerned and suggested that she should seek medical advice. As she was sixteen years of age, she did not want to go through much investigation by doctors and sought prayer from us as a church. As I too saw this as a serious matter I suggested we both prayed during the week seeking God’s advice and then the following Sunday we would ask God to heal the condition.
During my daily reading I came across a verse in Zephania where it spoke of ‘saving her that halteth.’ I was convinced I knew the reason for the failure to function normally and with much assurance prayed for the young lady on the Sunday. Sadly the situation remained and I was again asked by her to talk over her concern. When I had been seeking God, I was aware of some questions that needed to be asked, and it was revealed that she had been in a previous sexual relationship and although she had broken it off, was still in sin and therefore needed to confess and be cleansed. When I shared these things she was angry, upset and strongly opposed to the truth, but as we talked, God’s forgiveness prevailed, she accepted that she had been in sin, received the cleansing from God and was healed. Normal periods began from that day.
This truth can be further supported by the action taken by the priest in the book of Numbers when a husband seeks counsel believing his wife has been unfaithful. The priest takes the woman and she is asked to drink a concoction of water and dust from the temple floor. If she is guilty, the water will cause a curse. ‘The priest shall take holy water in an earthen vessel, and take some of the dust that is on the floor of the tabernacle and put it into the water. Then the priest shall stand the woman before the Lord, uncover the woman’s head, and put the offering for remembering in her hands, which is the grain offering of jealousy. And the priest shall have in his hand the bitter water that brings a curse. And the priest shall put her under oath, and say to the woman, “If no man has lain with you, and if you have not gone astray to uncleanness while under your husband’s authority, be free from this bitter water that brings a curse. But if you have gone astray while under your husband’s authority, and if you have defiled yourself and some man other than your husband has lain with you - then the priest shall put the woman under the oath of the curse, and he shall say to the woman - the Lord make you a curse and an oath among your people, when the Lord makes your thigh rot, and your belly swell; and may this water that causes the curse go into your stomach, and make your belly to swell and your thigh rot.” Then the woman shall say, “Amen, so be it.” Then the priest shall write these curses in a book, and he shall scrape them off into the bitter water: And he shall make the woman drink the bitter water that brings the curse, and the water that brings the curse shall enter her to become bitter. Then the priest shall take the grain of jealousy from the woman’s hand, shall wave the offering before the Lord, and bring it to the altar; and the priest shall take a handful of the offering, as its memorial portion, burn it on the altar, and afterwards make the woman drink the water. When he has made her drink the water, then it shall be, if she has defiled herself and behaved unfaithfully towards her husband, that the water that brings a curse will enter her and become bitter, and her belly will swell, her thigh will rot, and the woman will become a curse among her people. But if the woman has not defiled herself, and is clean, then she shall be free and may conceive children.’ (Num. 5:17-28)
Free from any Guilt
You will note that if she is free of any guilt she will be able to conceive seed. It is very important in the relationship between husband and wife that there be no guilt from previous relationships. So often in counsel I have known young ladies who have been so tense and distressed even to think of physical relationships that they haven’t allowed themselves to find that place in which conception is possible. Often the fear of not being able to produce children keeps women from being able to conceive. This is illustrated in one young family who after many years of seeking to have a baby eventually decided that they would adopt and not long after they discovered that the wife was pregnant. We must therefore look at how we approach our own physical relationships, being clear that we are totally free of all sin and fear. Sometimes just the experiences of childhood can make the physical relationship unacceptable and instead of knowing a sweet communion together, sexual relationships are forced and unpleasant and conducted more as a matter of duty.
The Bible tells us that Manoah’s wife was barren and God spoke into her heart an important principle: "Now therefore, please be careful not to drink wine or similar drink, and not to eat any unclean thing. For behold, you shall conceive and bear a son. And no razor shall come upon his head, for the child shall be a Nazarite to God from the womb; and he shall begin to deliver Israel out of the hand of the Philistines." (Jud. 13:4-5) I wonder how we approach the bringing forth of a child. Is our relationship a sacred thing or is the inclination more of need and sexual pleasure? Let us look at our overall relationship together. Marriage is to be conducted under the gracious eye of God. It is He who has ordained it and therefore without His direction it will not work as He has promised. ‘Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for it, that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that it should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of his body, of his flesh and of his bones. “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.’ (Eph. 5:25-33) To bring forth a child Manoah’s wife needed to accept that she was to prepare her body in such a way that the child would grow up to be a special man.
Now I know that not all children are ordained for great things in the heart of God but surely we must not approach motherhood carelessly or even discover we are pregnant following a casual physical relationship with someone who we have no serious relationship with. We must give serious thought to our bodies. Paul writes: ‘Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute? Certainly not! Or do you not know that he who is joined to a prostitute is one body with her? For “The two,” he says, “shall become one flesh.” But he who is joined to the Lord is one spirit with him. Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.’ (1 Cor. 6:15-20) ‘Do you not Know that you are the temple of God and that the Spirit of God dwells in you? If anyone defiles the temple of God, God will destroy him. For the temple of God is holy, which temple you are.’ (1 Cor. 3:16-17) God’s intention is that conception is born out of purity.
We must not Break God’s Law
There are many lessons to be learned from the truth as revealed to us by God in His Word. Speaking to His people God lays down the laws of blessing in obedience. 'Now it shall come to pass, if you diligently obey the voice of the Lord your God, to observe carefully all his commandments which I command you today, that the Lord your God will set you high above all nations of the earth. And all these blessings shall come upon you and overtake you, because you obey the voice of the Lord your God.' (Deut. 28:1-2) Whereas the opposite is true in disobedience. ‘Cursed shall be the fruit of your body and the produce of your land, the increase of your cattle and the offspring of your flocks.’ (Deut. 28:18) Disobedience to any law must eventually be paid in full, that is only fair and just. But what about disobedience to the laws of God? How many young people have omitted to be obedient to God’s law relating to sexual relationships outside of the realm of marriage?
The story of Hannah and Elkanah provides for us further help in considering this very important subject. Elkanah had two wives, his relationship with one of his wives bore children, but his other wife, Hannah, failed to conceive and she was desperate to give her husband a son. Elkanah loved Hannah but she felt miserable and every year went to the Lord’s house to seek God for a child. In her distress as she prayed her lips moved but her voice was silent. Eli, the priest misunderstood her anguish, thinking she was drunk, but when he spoke with her, he came into an understanding of her situation and confirmed that God would give her the child that she had prayed for. What had changed the circumstances of her life? Her promise that if she was to have a child she would give him to the Lord.
Maybe we need to consider afresh why we want children and make sure that our desire is that they should be to the praise of God and not for ourselves. God is the creator of all things and it seems strange sometimes to consider life without Him, His care and His love. Yet so many choose to do so and so often reap the consequences of it.
Even though he was a powerful man, David the king of Israel, fell foul of God’s law when he chose to have an adulterous relationship with Bathsheba. Although a child was born it was destined to die. David realised his sin and its inevitable consequence and writes of his own heartache in the famous Psalms. ‘Have mercy upon me, O God, according to your loving-kindness; according to the multitude of your tender mercies, blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. For I acknowledge my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me. Against you, you only, have I sinned, and done this evil in your sight - that you may be found just when you speak, and blameless when you judge. Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin my mother conceived me. Behold, you desire truth in the inward parts, and in the hidden part you will make me to know wisdom. Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. Make me to hear joy and gladness, that the bones which you have broken may rejoice. Hide your face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities. Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me away from your presence, and do not take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with your generous Spirit. Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners shall be converted to you.” (Psa. 51:1-13) Many people do not fully realise the consequences of their sin until they enter into normal relationships and find that barriers exist which they knew nothing of. One young woman, now married, came to share with me that after many months she had failed to conceive. She had been involved in a previous relationship but although she had been forgiven, she had not accepted that she could be totally pure and clean. After some strong encouraging words of counsel she accepted the love of God and received His forgiveness and became free to conceive and bring forth children. She now has a growing and healthy family.
Maybe it is the love of God that holds up conception because He has something much better for them. In the story of David and Bathsheba we read these words: ‘Then the king said to Araunah, “No, but I will surely buy it from you for a price; nor will I offer burnt offerings to the Lord my God with that which costs me nothing.” So David bought the threshing-floor and the oxen for fifty shekels of silver. And David built there an altar to the Lord, and offered burnt offerings and peace offerings. So the Lord heeded the prayers for the land, and the plague was withdrawn from Israel.’ (2 Sam. 24:24-25)
If we are barren we can of course turn first to the many answers the world has to offer. Abraham and Sarah were probably married early in their lives but after many decades are still unfruitful. God had promised them a son but the Bible reveals their impatience with God’s promise and they turn to the world. The account reveals that Sarah had an Egyptian maid whose name was Hagar which in Hebrew means ‘wandering’. In Scripture Egypt is always a picture of the world in which we live, its systems and answers. ‘Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world - the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life - is not of the Father but is of the world. And the world is passing away, and the lust of it; but he who does the will of God abides for ever.’ (1 John 2:15-17) Until the world is removed from our experience we may not be free to put our total trust in God and His word. Abraham now pursues a human answer. He did in effect bring forth a son but it was the fruit of his relationship. The child was to be wild and uncontrollable. ‘He shall be a wild man; his hand shall be against every man, and every man’s hand against him. And he shall dwell in the presence of all his brethren.’ (Gen. 16:12)
God’s Promise is fruitfulness
Let us ensure that we do not allow the world to control the things which are Gods. God promises to us that we can bring forth fruit, but it will come out of our own relationships with one another. When Jacob with his wife and family sought to leave Laban, he used a simple principle that governs conception and birth that ‘we reap what we sow’. ‘And the rods that he had peeled, he set before the flocks in the gutters, in the watering troughs where the flocks came to drink, so that they should conceive when they came to drink. So the flocks conceived before the rods, and the flocks brought forth streaked, speckled, and spotted.’ (Gen. 30:38-39) Let us keep this in mind when we consider birth and if God has allowed us to remain barren let us pray that He will reveal His purpose. Have courage and allow God to reveal the reasons for your lack, let Him plumb your heart and reveal any reason why in His love he has hindered you, that in putting your life right with God, the normal course of life will spring forth out of your womb.
Rebecca the wife of Isaac, Abraham’s son was also barren. The Bible tells us: ‘Isaac was forty years old when he took Rebekah as wife, the daughter of Bethuel the Syrian of Padan Aram, the sister of Laban the Syrian. Now Isaac pleaded with the Lord for his wife, because she was barren; and the Lord granted his plea, and Rebekah his wife conceived. But the children struggled together within her; and she said, “If all is well, why am I this way?” So she went to inquire of the Lord. And the Lord said to her; “Two nations are in your womb, two peoples shall be separated from your body; one people shall be stronger than the other, and the older shall serve the younger.” So when her days were fulfilled for her to give birth, indeed there were twins in her womb. And the first came out red. He was like a hairy garment all over; so they called his name Esau. Afterwards his brother came out, and his hand took hold of Esau’s heel; so his name was called Jacob. Isaac was sixty years old when she bore them.’ (Gen. 25:20-26) What a tremendous privilege it is to be able to have access into the presence of God, to be able to pray or ask God’s assistance in something which is deeply personal and of great emotional concern.
To be able to pray and reach the throne we must first be committed to the life of God. We will never be able to put into practice what He says until firstly He has revealed Himself to us. It is of no use being religious, Jesus tells the story of two men, one religious and the other genuine. ‘Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other men - extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this tax collector. I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I possess.’ And the tax collector, standing afar off, would not so much as raise his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, ‘God be merciful to me a sinner!’ I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other; for everyone who exalts himself will be abased, and he who humbles himself will be exalted. Then they also brought infants to him that he might touch them; but when his disciples saw it, they rebuked them. But Jesus called them to him and said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of God. Assuredly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will by no means enter it.’ (Luke 18:10-18)
It has been my privilege on a number of occasions to pray and ask God that He should reveal the areas of lack in young couples lives so that they may be able to have children. I recall a young woman who did not feel within herself that she was acceptable to God, she had been in sin and therefore felt that she had spoiled the pure process of conception and birth. As a single young woman she had confessed her sin but seemed unable to accept God’s forgiveness and continued in guilt and unbelief. If we are to approach God we must come to Him as a loving Heavenly Father who is more willing to forgive than we are to receive His forgiveness. ‘But without faith it is impossible to please him, for he who comes to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of those who diligently seek him.’ (Heb. 11:6)
It is the Father’s heart to help us. He invites us: ‘Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.’ (Heb. 4:16)
May God bless us all and provide those things we need and which have been ordained of Him.
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