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Chapter 13. Counselling after separation or Divorce
'But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace.'’ (1 Cor. 7:15)
Three of the most perplexing questions are considered in this chapter. Does the Lord allow married couples to separate? Can we divorce? Am I permitted to remarry?
The Scripture has much to say on these areas of life and it is our purpose to seek to lay down clear guidelines should we find ourselves in the unfortunate position of having to consider any of them. We shall also look into those difficulties faced by a husband or wife separated by the death of his or her partner and the responsibility of children to care for their aged parents.
We have to say that we are living in an environment far removed from the heart and will of God. It is estimated that in this country one out of every two marriages will end in divorce and a quarter of a million children will suffer as a result. Although these percentages will not be common in the church we can be assured that these questions we raise will become increasingly relevant.
The pastor finds himself in a dilemma. On one side the clear truth revealed by God in His word and the distress of a young man or woman facing the future with maybe two or three children without a partner who for some reason has left the family home having been drawn away after an adulterous relationship. We must, therefore, look for the truth and communicate the heart of God with love and compassion.
Married Before a Knowledge of the Lord
It is probably true to say that most of those in the life of the church who find themselves separated, were married before they knew the Lord and it is often when one of the partners begins to seek the Lord for the salvation of his own soul that difficulties arise.
This is dramatically illustrated by one young woman who began to attend the church. At the time of her courtship and marriage she was deeply involved in spiritualism and its accompanying uncleanness. Her husband was happy to dwell with her providing she continued in her own immorality. When God began to shine the light of the Gospel into her heart and ministered to her setting her free from the devil’s power the husband found he could no longer live with her and left the home to live with another woman. Although, for some time, he sought the way of the Lord for himself he was not prepared to receive the way of salvation and has chosen the path of sin and destruction rather than the way of life.
The Gospel had brought division in the home and a choice had to be made between the life of God and a physical relationship in marriage. It often seems that there is this great cost that many men and women are not prepared to pay. I wonder how many people have given up eternal life for the temporal joys of marriage?
Paul’s Instructions
At this point let us remind ourselves of the instructions of the Apostle Paul: ‘Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband. But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife. But to the rest I, not the Lord, say: If any brother has a wife who does not believe, and she is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her. And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy. But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace. For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?’ (1 Cor. 7:10-16)
It seems that the Apostle is very straight concerning the command of the Lord. The woman is not to leave her husband but seek, by her life and her relationship with God, to reveal the greater life that there is in Jesus Christ.
Saving your Husband
I recall another young family. I had met the wife at a Ladies’ Meeting and had the privilege of being introduced to her three daughters. One by one I saw them come to know and love the Lord. The husband was a good father but had no desire to seek the things of God. He attended the Baptismal Service of his eldest daughter and it was there he became impressed more with the life of the Lord, first seeing it in his wife and now in the ordinary members of the church.
At the baptism of his second daughter, some time later, I remember talking to him after the service and he now acknowledged that the Christian had something that he wanted but he did not know how to receive it for himself. I encouraged him to open up his heart and the Lord would reveal himself.
At one morning meeting the family, without the father, had gathered to worship and God had spoken to us all so clearly on the life of faith and I encouraged the church to ask what they would in faith, believing that the Lord would give it to them. The wife asked that her husband would know the Lord that night as he was due to visit the evening meeting. During the service three young men spoke the prophetic word which, by the Spirit, were all directed to the husband and by the end of the night he had given his life to the Lord.
Jesus talks of Divorce
We must also remind ourselves of the truth as Jesus reveals it when being questioned by the Pharisees, in Mark’s Gospel: ‘The Pharisees came and asked him, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?” testing him. And he answered and said to them, “What did Moses command you?” They said, “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce, and to put her away. And Jesus answered and said to them, “Because of the hardness of your heart he wrote you this precept. “But from the beginning of creation, God ‘made them male and female.’ For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’, so then they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate. And in the house his disciples asked him again about the same matter. So he said to them, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her. And if a woman divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.’ (Mark 10:2-12)
If any of us seek to put away our partners and take another, we are living in adultery and encouraging the other to commit adultery. It would seem, therefore, that the only end to a marriage contract is by the death of the partner. Paul writes: ‘For the woman who has a husband is bound by the law to her husband as long as he lives. But if the husband dies, she is released from the law of her husband. So then if, while her husband lives, she marries another man, she will be called an adulteress; but if her husband dies, she is free from that law, so that she is no adulteress, though she has married another man.’ (Rom. 7:2-3)
Here is another very relevant illustration to strengthen the Apostle’s statements. This young woman began coming to the meeting quite regularly. She had been brought up to know the Lord but had pushed it aside to marry. The husband was most forcibly against her attending meetings but she would continue to come, even climbing out of the window on occasions to do so! One day he visited me and said very angrily, “If you don’t stop her coming I will divorce her.”
I was certainly in no position to tell the young woman to stop attending the place where she had opportunity to worship the Lord, and told him so adding that she had to know the mind of the Lord for herself. After shouting and storming out leaving the place shaking around us, he continued to live with her and today, although she is not in regular Sunday fellowship, maintains her link with us seeking to work out her Christian life in her home. Accepting their differences of heart the wife is maintaining her walk with the Lord.
It may be that her husband will never come to know the Lord but is willing to dwell with her providing she does not attend the church services. So many Christian wives have undermined the Gospel by the way they live in their homes.
Separation Inevitable
It would seem that if the relationship between the partners becomes unbearable so that one desires to separate, it must be done with the understanding that she will remain single until such time she can be reconciled to her husband.
Are there any exceptions? I turn to the words of our Lord again: “ I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery.” (Matt. 19:9)
Under the old covenant law adultery resulted in death. ‘The man who commits adultery with another man’s wife, he who commits adultery with his neighbour’s wife, the adulterer and the adulteress, shall surely be put to death.’ (Lev. 20:10) Adultery was punishable by death but fornication seems, to my understanding, to be dealt with differently. ‘When a man takes a wife and marries her, and it happens that she finds no favour in his eyes because he has found some uncleanness in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, puts it in her hand, and sends her out of his house, when she has departed from his house, and goes and becomes another man’s wife, if the latter husband detests her and writes her a certificate of divorce, puts it in her hand, and sends her out of his house, or if the latter husband dies who took her to be his wife, then her former husband who divorced her must not take her back to be his wife, after she has been defiled.’ (Deut. 24:1-4)
Fornication would indicate some sexual sin prior to their marriage and was obvious very soon after their wedding day.
Divorce not in God’s Heart
In contrast, we have a clear revelation of the heart of God through the prophet Malachi where His hatred of divorce cannot be overlooked. ‘Yet you say, “For what reason?” Because the Lord has been witness between you and the wife of your youth, with whom you have dealt treacherously; yet she is your companion and your wife by covenant. But did he not make them one, having a remnant of the Spirit. And why one? He seeks godly offspring. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth. For the Lord God of Israel says that he hates divorce, for it covers one’s garment with violence, says the Lord of hosts. Therefore take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously.’ (Mal. 2:14-16)
It is certainly clear that Jesus states an exception and I am sure that there are circumstances which allow for the dissolving of a marriage. It must be said, in the light of experience, that these exceptions are very rare but are used by so many as a reason to remarry.
Each individual must know if they are found in this position and that it is of God. The consequence of living in sin and ultimately finding ourselves outside of His kingdom must be terrifying to consider. We also have evidence that Jesus gave men the choice between the things of this world and life in Him when He said: “If anyone desires to come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake shall find it. For what is a man profited if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul?’ (Matt. 16:24-26)
Some must endure hardness so that they may gain eternal life, one of these must be to remain unmarried. I conclude for myself that the whole answer to this realm lies with God Himself. For so many who are currently perplexed by this problem are not seeking to outwork the difficulty in fellowship with the Lord but are seeking relationships, even going into Social Single clubs with the hope of meeting someone to marry.
Remarriage Allowed
I remember meeting a young man who had been involved in the drug scene for eighteen years and over this period of time had lived with many women but at this time had been with one for five years. When the Lord met him and delivered him of his drug addiction he realised at once that it was not right to live in sin but acknowledged the fact that he was in love with the woman.
She was not the Lord’s and, therefore, a permanent bond was not possible but during the next few months the woman too came into a real experience of the Lord and it seemed quite natural for them to marry. I was certainly perplexed but in seeking the Lord believed it to be His will that they should be joined together. My only reservation was that she should not be arrayed in white as she had been previously married.
I am committed, therefore, on the realm of divorce and remarriage, to seek God’s will in each individual case keeping before me the principles as outlined above.
Decisions Based on God’s Word not Feelings
So many make decisions in this realm on what they feel rather than on the knowledge and word of God. We may find it easier to obey our feelings than we do the will of God! You may remember that very moving account of the sickness of Lazarus as John records it: ‘Now a certain man was sick, Lazarus of Bethany, the town of Mary and her sister Martha. It was that Mary who anointed the Lord with fragrant oil and wiped his feet with her hair, whose brother Lazarus was sick. Therefore the sisters sent to him, saying, “Lord, behold, he whom you love is sick.” When Jesus heard that, he said, “This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God may be glorified through it.” Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So, when he heard that he was sick, he stayed two more days in the place where he was.’ (John 11:1-6)
Had Jesus gone straight away He would no doubt have healed His friend but His Father had something greater for Him. He was misunderstood by Martha. ‘Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.’ (John 11:21) Mary said the same. ‘Therefore, when Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who came with her weeping, he groaned in the spirit, and was troubled. And he said, “Where have you laid him?” They said to him, “Lord, come and see.” Jesus wept. Then the Jews said, “See how he loved him!”’ (John 11:33-36)
How often have you moved beyond the will of God and rushed what He has planned for you because you have been dominated by your feelings?
It is in the feeling realm that we shall make our biggest mistakes. Let me record the story of Isaac bypassing his instinct and being ruled by his feelings. ‘Then Isaac said to Jacob, “Please come near, that I may feel you, my son, whether you are really my son Esau or not.” So Jacob went near to Isaac his father, and he felt him and said, “The voice is Jacob’s voice, but the hands are the hands of Esau.” And he did not recognize him, because his hands were hairy like his brother Esau’s hands; so he blessed him.’ (Gen. 27:21-22) Jacob had covered his hands with goatskins to deceive his father.
Jesus said: “If you love me, keep my commandments.” (John 14:15) There can be no substitute for obedience in our life and walk with the Lord. Those who move outside into the world may jeopardise their eternal life. On such occasions of uncleanness in the church Paul writes to the Corinthian church: ‘In the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, when you are gathered together, along with my spirit, with the power of our Lord Jesus Christ, deliver such a one to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus. Your glorying is not good. Do you not know that a little leaven leavens the whole lump?’ (1 Cor. 5:4-6)
Marriage Ordained from the Beginning
We must accept that divorce is not in the plan of God but has evolved out of a world committed to sin. Marriage has been patterned on the eternal marriage between His Son, the Lamb, and the Bride of Christ, the church.
Some ask, “If a couple are married outside of a new birth experience, are they truly married in God?” We must accept that marriage is an outworking of His plan in creation and not introduced after the Lord had come into the world to reveal salvation.
The Care of Widows and Single Families
The care of the church, especially from the elders and mature couples should be extended to all who find themselves separated or divorced. James writes: ‘Pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their trouble, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world.’ (James 1:27)
Acts records the move of the Spirit upon the church to raise up men who were to be primarily responsible for the practical aspects of church life. ‘Now in those days, when the number of the disciples was multiplying, there arose a murmuring against the Hebrews by the Hellenists, because their widows were neglected in the daily distribution. Then the twelve summoned the multitude of the disciples and said, “It is not desirable that we should leave the word of God and serve tables. Therefore, brethren, seek out from among you seven men of good reputation, full of the Holy Spirit and wisdom, whom we may appoint over this business.’ (Acts 6:1-3)
There should always be every provision in the church to make up the lack in the various homes should a woman find herself without the care and attention of a loving husband and father, but there appear to be conditions laid upon us also by the Apostle Paul to Timothy. ‘Honour widows who are really widows. But if any widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show piety at home and to repay their parents; for this is good and acceptable before God. Now she who is really a widow, and left alone, trusts in God and continues in supplications and prayers night and day. But she who lives in pleasure is dead while she lives.’ (1 Tim. 5:3-6) also, ‘Do not let a widow under sixty years old be taken into the number, and not unless she has been the wife of one man, with a reputation for good works: if she has brought up children, if she has lodged strangers, if she has washed the saints’ feet, if she have relieved the afflicted, if she has diligently followed every good work.’ (1 Tim. 5:9-10)
Caring for Parents
I remember talking to an older couple and the parents of the wife were unwell. Believing it to be the heart of God, they moved home to be near them so that they could care for them on a daily basis. The father was so opposed and abusive it became increasingly difficult for them to continue their task happily, and yet for about two years they laboured under these awful circumstances. We felt that something had to be said to the elderly parents. If they wished their children to continue to care they must accept that the Lord’s help must be sought.
It was suggested that a large home be bought near a Fellowship so that the Christian couple could continue in worship with the people of God while also caring for the aged parents but any change was totally rejected. The Christian couple decided that they could no longer care for their parents on this basis and another sister took up the charge and within a few months both she and her husband were verging on a nervous breakdown. Eventually, the elderly parents were settled in a home.
How often I have seen a single woman’s life ruined because she has felt it a responsibility to care for an ageing mother who, instead of being grateful and loving to their child has been dominating and selfish. Paul writing to the Corinthian church says: ‘For the children ought not to lay up for the parents, but the parents for the children.’ (2 Cor. 12:14)
Luke records a conversation between the Lord and one of His disciples when He says: “Follow me.” But he said, “Lord, let me first go and bury my father.” Jesus said to him, “Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and preach the kingdom of God.” (Luke 9:59-60)
It is probably true that there are those who instead of being fulfilled in the life and will of God are bound and committed to parents whose only purpose is to fulfil their own will.
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